Irski vicevi

"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."
Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!"
"Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?"
"Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!"

Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"
"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"
"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"

How is it that we know Christ was Irish?
Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Cos they're always a little short

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

Irish Stew
We've got our own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew.

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

< prethodnih 10         sledećih 10 >